


The Shade We Made: On Better Days, You Are Black (BONUS PART)

by 00BAFF584



Series: The Shade We Made [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Because apparently I am the admin lol, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Izuru second person POV, Just Izuru thoughts that's all really, Just imagine Nozawa narrating all these in his head, M/M, NozaGao Domesticity, Nozawa RP on Twitter is used as reference, OOC GAO I DONT KNOW, SET AFTER THE PART THREE, Sneak peek of my series I still haven't written, abandoned by radiographic positioning activity for this, this is unplanned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27602407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/00BAFF584/pseuds/00BAFF584
Summary: On the other hand, white is the absence of color. So, if you were a painting, you'd be black.
Relationships: Nozawa Izuru & Hakuba Gao, Nozawa Izuru / Hakuba Gao, Nozawa Izuru/Hakuba Gao
Series: The Shade We Made [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017972
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	The Shade We Made: On Better Days, You Are Black (BONUS PART)

The ceiling. The walls.

They're _light._

They're _white._

You 're alone and scared.

It's five in the afternoon and you are painfully aware that you have been staring at the white ceiling of your apartment for literally _two_ hours now. Your back is against the mattress with your arms hyperextended, hoping it wouldn't get in the way if you were to be swallowed whole by what is above or underneath you. You are on something loose and comfortable, but that does nothing to your current discomfort. You're not even sure if you're actually feeling something _._ Your breathing is slow and calculated, unlike how the world runs very fast you just cannot keep up. And the gravity feels like it's pulling you down way more than what's normal. It feels like it's crushing you and your body isn't resisting at all. 

The burden bestow upon you - the weight of your thoughts drag your diaphragm down until your chest is _full_ of _emptiness_ and air. Then you stop right there, not wanting to breathe out. You want a moment to feel _nothing_ while your lungs is filled with _something_. You want to impede the flow of your blood because you're tired of going on _endlessly_.

You don't mean to do anything bad. You just want things to align themselves with the mess you have in mind. You want the surroundings to be on the surface because you're on the ground now, low and humble. But everything seems to be in the sky, high and mighty, and as far as you can remember, you stopped taking flights years ago.

You're unlike Kourai who can run past what is chasing him.

You're not Suwa to see what other people can't.

You can't be like Gao - all persistent and unforgiving.

And you absolutely can't be as resilient as the demands of people; you're just you. 

You're the _absence_ of _everything_.

  
You slowly released the air you suspended, your cold vessels beginning to go warm. You think that was one loud sigh, because you see your cat on your feet react to it. You want to smile. At times of self-loathing, you still have your cat who does the job better than you do. He lifts itself up and makes way towards you. You finally crack a grin, first time since 1 PM. You lazily move so you can accommodate his little aura of intimidation in between your arms. You carefully reach for his ears and you're thankful he doesn't resist. You begin brushing your thumb against his fur and you hear it purr in response. Oh the spark of joy it gives you. You feel yourself regain the ability to feel pleasant over the smallest things, including how your cat suddenly move his arm and scratches your hand because that's the only type of pain you welcome.

After petting him for quite some time, you realize that you're no longer staring the white ceiling and your eyes are set on your cat who has gone to sleep. Again. Sometimes, you would wish you were a cat: a being that can sleep at any time of the day and that would chase the nightmares away. But you? You close your eyes at night and drift off to face your worries in a subtle context. You hibernate as a response to your physical exhaustion but what bothers you in mind is something that sleep cannot simply put to rest. Then you wake up four hours later and the first thing you see is your white ceiling. Thinking of this makes you widen your range of sight and you realize that you're still encaged in a white room. You make a mental note to ask Gao to help you paint your walls with something more festive as the absence of color is starting to haunt you.

You take one final sensation of your cat's nose before carefully setting him right beside you before you sit up straight. You put a foot down to the floor, then the other and let out another deep sigh.

_'This is tiring.'_ You say in mind. You stand up and you feel your bones crack and it's as if things went right for a span of second, you moan in relief. Though, you still have a lot of tension in your chest, shoulder, and head, and you're going to make that worse by walking straight to the kitchen to fill your system with caffeine. You don't hear a single thud in every step you take because you are floating in between your reality and the oblivion where there's nothing that stands in your way. You don't hear the muffled call of your name by a voice so low. You don't feel the piercing pair of eyes set on the slow movement you make. You don't feel the looming heat towering you.

You feel nothing when everything is just around _you_.

Just when your hand is able to touch the ceramic curve of your faux green cup, a large palm flashes right in front of your eyes, forcing you to get out of your trance. You instinctively follow the extension of the arm to see two black orbs peering down at you. The next thing you see is the slow emission of red mist from the outline of his physique. You slowly blink and try to crack a smile to welcome Gao on his favorite gray sweater and jogging pants. You tilt your head a bit to appear a little bit responsive. You want to say something, too. But your throat feels tight and you imagine your jaw getting locked. 

He seems to be picking up your attempts to talk because he places his index finger on your lips. The warmth of his skin awakens some of your nerves and you can't believe that you have been spacing out that bad to suddenly become hypersensitive. You just look at him and nod. He removes his finger to dance the rest of it against your sleeves, down to the naked expanse of your hand. Another set of nerves are awakened, it almost makes you and your unmoving heart jolt. The heat stays there longer than it did to your lips. You take in the sight of his big hand in yours and how embarrassingly cute it is. You smile fondly. Then you see your hand being pulled by his. You try to look at Gao in question but he is looking straight ahead like his feet make you move your own to go to the bedroom where you just came from.

Upon entering the room, you feel heavier. Again.

 _'It's the fucking white walls, I swear to God.'_ You bite your lip and involuntarily clench your fist in utter frustration. The harder you do it, the firmer Gao's hold in your hand gets. It's like you're being reminded that no matter how much you hate yourself, he is there to double it with comfort. You try to speak again and what comes out was a cracked _"Gao-kun"_ and he replies with a soft _"Shhh. Don't say anything."_ like he doesn't want to break you any further.

You walk past the digital clock that says 6:00 PM on the tableside, a cue that the surroundings will darken from then onwards. Gao halts for a moment before sitting down on the edge of the mattress and signals you to sit right next to him. But you don't. You set your focus directly on his. You are thankful. When days are silent, both of you speak louder than ever - with sealed lips and understanding eyes. He tells a lot with his sight. Right now, you're getting the message: _"Don't just stand there. You're tired. Sit down."_ and this time, you partially do what he wants you to. You move closer to him, remove your hand from his hold to wrap your arms around his neck and sit on his lap. He stiffens from the action and you see visible shade of pink in his ears. You chuckle for the first time in hours and go on to torture him pressing your foreheads together. You grin wider when you feel big pair of hands slip in your shirt and rest on your lower back to secure you in place after a few moments of hesitation.

"Aren't you too forward, Nozawa-san?" He mutters in between you. 

Your right hand gently gets a handful of his hair and massage his scalp. "That's Izuru for you," You whisper

"Well, aren't you too forward, Izuru- _san?"_  
  
  


"Aren't you too respectful and easy to submit, Gao-kun?" 

"I am not." He says sharply but you know there's not bite to it. 

"Whatever you say, kid." And you didn't allow him to speak back by placing a peck on his lips because you are starting to feel warm and teasing. You hear him curse under his breath, though. You can't help but to giggle like a teenager. The color on his cheeks make you giddy too.

"So, in order to cheer you up, I have to suffer first?" He asks dryly. You smile fondly and holds his cheeks with both of your hands.

"Okay, maybe you do. But partially. I just like seeing you worked up and all." Gao clicks his tongue but his eyes are unwavering. He doesn't answer, creating a quite room for the both of you and the cat sleeping peacefully behind Gao. You breathe out softly, trying to ease the tension without causing another one. By this time, you can already feel things. His presence, warmth, skin and eyes. You realize it. Two black eyes are trained on you and your shy movements. You know you're sweating and shaking a bit, and that your eyes say it all. You know he's looking for what is wrong and you're more than willing to let his gaze see you naked - from flesh to soul. You welcome shades of darkness, just as long as it belongs to the clock of the universe like the slow blackening of the corners of the room and to Gao. 

White walls mean nothing at all - nothing compared to a pair of black holes and arms trying to make you feel at home.

You lean to hug him and rest your head on his shoulder. You feel him pull you impossibly closer to you from the pressure of his hold. You let out another deep sigh you didn't know you were holding this entire time. He hums in response.

"...Thank you." You manage to whisper as the tightening sensation is slowly coming back to you.

"Anything for you, _Izuru._ "

_'You're wrong, Gao-kun.'_ You want to tell him but your throat has closed and opens slightly to accommodate a silent choked sob.

_'It's not just anything. It's everything. You are everything I could ask for.'_ Because for you, it's true. He's been trying for the both of you, even after years of correcting himself. He's done enough and every little thing he does proves that he is giving you so much more than you think you deserve. With just a single sight of his dark eyes, you know there's everything in it. And it's most especially appreciated and overwhelming during these times when you feel _white_ , _absence_ of _everything_. Gao is giving you exactly what you don't have at a moment. He is giving himself to you who is nothing - nothing like those normally functioning member of the society; nothing like the best; nothing like him.

Gao is just a lot of things. He makes you display emotions you fail to decipher alone. Everyday, you wake up feeling confused, unsure and _white_. But with him by your side, you are able to learn and understand. You become certain, and that alone transcends what you think is really meant for you. You are able to feel different emotions - happiness, yearning, sorrow, embarrassment, dread, _all_.

He was Blue;  
He is Red;  
He can be Black, too.

You're starting to believe that he is, in fact, a concept of art. Had your world in monochrome, he paints it with pigments of the underlying beauty in his grace, words and touch. The rest of the spaces are filled, the lines connect and meanings make more sense when he's there. With him, you have everything.

And if he was a painting, he'd be all the colors to you.

The ceiling. The walls.

They're _dark_.

They're _black_.

Now that you're with Gao, you have nothing to be afraid of.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Demian, the half lobe of my brain, for beta reading this and for making a fanart out of this series (even way before i thought of it lol) ! I would like to dedicate this fic to you.
> 
> Anyway, have you seen the tag? Yeah this is like a part of the series that is still in my drafts lol and best believe that this one is like a bonus part because I am crazy /pos. I don't know what to write here but thank you very much for reading! You can follow @nozawa_izuru on twitter!


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